Part 15

"Mom, Do I have to do this? I mean, can't you give me one last chance to face this on my own?" I pleaded in a desperate voice.

"No" she said. And that was it. I knew that her 'No' strictly meant 'No'. Nothing doing. She drove with a straight face, her relentless calm and subtle conviction abating my 0.00001% hope of convincing her to take us back.

With that last try failing, I sighed and leaned back in my seat. It seemed that I really had no choice. We were heading towards Defense Colony, where the AA meeting was being held in a church. I won't be sitting with mom though, there's another group called 'Alateen' which consists of only teenagers who have been subjected to alcohol abuse in their families and/or have had a drinking problem themselves.

I stared outside the car window for the rest of the ride. A sense of nervousness mixed with apprehension and fear was lingering in the pit of my stomach. Denial was definitely a better state to be in. That stupid goddamned workshop ruined it. All was pretty much well before it happened.

The ride lasted only for a few precious moments, and then we were there. I took and deep breath and stepped out. My mom reached out and firmly held my hand, knowing that I was probably turning into a pile of goo inside, but her expression hadn't changed much. She literally pulled me towards the church.

I saw a group of teens sitting on plastic chairs in a circle. They were happily chatting away about something with plastic cups of chai comfortably resting between their palms before the meeting began.

"I'm going upstairs, our meetings are held on the top floor" my mom said, her tone gentler now, "Will you be okay?"

Ofcourse I won't be okay, but I said, "Yeah. Don't worry", and managed to give her a faint smile. She let go of my hand and walked away. I took another deep breath and walked towards the group. They noticed me and one person, who seemed to be the only adult, asked, "Hi, you a new member?"

I quietly cleared my throat and said, "Um, yes"

His face broke into a smile as he said, "Come sit na, meeting shuru hone waali hai. You want some chai?"

I didn't know how to respond to such, shall I say, quick welcome. Everyone was smiling at me. Their smiles seemed welcoming, and the man's words calmed me down a bit. I walked towards a spare chair and sat down, "No thanks. I'm fine"

He clapped his hands together and said, "To meeting start karein?", everyone nodded, and he continued, "Okay. So I'm Amit and I'm going to be chairing this meeting"

"Hi Amit!", everyone said in unison.

"I want to share an incident which is perhaps the most ridiculous stunt I ever pulled in my life. I guess alcoholism drives people nuts after a point of time. Baba, as usual, raat ko late aaye. Family dysfunctional thi, to maa ne dekh kar bhi undekha kar diya ki woh pee kar aaye hain. Mujhe unki taraf itni resentment hoti thi ki kabhi kabhi mujhe unhe maarne ka man karta tha. As usual, we had khana and retired to our beds. Thankful that he didn't hit maa that night, I went to bed. Lekin us din neend nahi aayi, upar se main bada impulsive tha. Gussa control nahi hota tha. A memory of baba beating maa came to mind, and that was it. I decided to leave my house"

I didn't realize when I got so involved in his story that I could visualize all the events in my head. And somehow, my past didn't threaten to plague my mind while he was sharing.

"Raat ke 3 baje mein dilli ki sadkon pe akela ghoom raha tha. Sardi ka mausam tha, lekin mere jaisa sanki insaan karne se pehle nahi, karne ke baad sochta hai. I sat down on a foothpath and watched the cars speed by. Subah ke paanch baje tak wahaan baitha raha, lekin saade paanch baje mujhe laga ki boss, ab thand lag rahi hai aur bhook bhi, chalo ghar waapis chalte hain"

Everyone lightly laughed at that. I couldn't believe with the ease with which this man was sharing his story. No one was teary eyed, or sympathetic. To someone else, this may sound like a very painful memory, but to these people, it was that familiar, mutual feeling of utter helplessness that lead them to do something absolutely ridiculous. All of them had done something like this in their lives, and now that they're sitting here talking about it, they realize how genuinely funny it must have been.

Infact, I could vaguely recall one of my own memories when I tried to empty all my dad's beer bottles into the pot and re-fill them with apple juice. I smiled.

"So I went back, and quietly settled into my bed. My parents didn't even realize that I'd been out half the night", and with that, he completed his sharing and everyone clapped for him. If nothing else, this man had adorned each face with a genuine smile. Including mine.

_______________________________

"Vivek, you've become so grown up! What class are you in?" exclaimed his mami. Vivek gave her a fake smile, Yeah, that tends to happen you know, "11th"

"Arre, beta bada ho gaya" she said with a huge grin plastered on her face as she settled down in the sofa. My mom chipped in and said, "kids grow up very fast nowadays, na?"

"Totally. I mean look Alka's daughter Ritu, she's in BA first year now.....'" and so it went. It didn't take much time for Vivek to notice that he was now completely forgotten, and his presence was no longer required in the room. He quietly slipped out without being noticed as his smaller cousins kept running around the room, which was enough to buy him a moment.

He sighed and shook his head. It was always like this. His relatives would come in pairs, with 2 kids dangling from their arms. The women would sit in the sitting room and gossip, while the men would sit in the garden and talk about cricket or the latest political news. And the kids, well, they roamed around pretty much everywhere. With Vivek being the eldest, and all others being less than 9 yrs old, the bunch was nothing less than a riot.

He was about to enter his room when his dad saw him and called out, "Arre Vivek, zara yahaan aana beta"

What the.., why can't I be in peace just for a while?, He turned around and slowly walked towards the garden, knowing the exact words that would be exchanged in the upcoming conversation.

"Yes dad?" He said in a familiar monotone. Before his dad could speak, his mama, who was also sitting there, spoke up, "Arre bhai, humare saath bhi baith jaya karo. Looks like you've forgotten your mama, kyun?"

I would if I had the choice, "No mama. It's not like that. I just have too much homework today and it's all pending", he said instead.

"How much homework do you get? Aaj kal yeh school wale bhi na, baccho ko maarke chhodenge" he said, contemptuously. Vivek nodded in agreement, hoping that his assent would grant him an exit ticket.

Apparently not. His mama said, "Anyway, we'll let you go in a while. Come have a seat"

Which means half an hour gone waste, Vivek sighed and sat down. He was asked the usual few questions like 'How're your results? What's your rank? What sports do you play? etc etc', and then he was again, forgotten as his mama and dad started talking about some other topic. He listened to their discussion for a while before saying, "Um, I think I should go. Too much homework"

They nodded briefly and went back to their conversation. Vivek got up and walked back to his room, shutting the door behind. He laid down on his bed and stared the ceiling. As long as the door was shut, it would conceal him from all the drama unfolding beyond. He could never become a part of it in spite of having born and brought up in such an atmosphere.

It all radiated a feeling of 'fakeness'. Nothing seemed genuine. Did these relatives really love him? No. Did they really care for him? No. Then why pretend? Just to retain the idea of a 'One big happy family' for a little longer?

He didn't know. And he didn't care. All he knew was that this was not the place he was meant to be in. He was meant to be in a place where he would really feel loved, and genuinely happy.

Part 13

“So how much have we done?” asked Vivek as he settled in his chair.

“Quite a bit. I made 10 slides, and need you guys to see them now” I replied while taking the pen drive out of my bag. We were at Ayush’s place this time, and his room looked like it belonged to an eccentric person. I wasn’t surprised, because Ayush’s personality agreed with the vibe his room gave off. He had painted all his walls with what he called ‘abstract art’, and had empty bottles of paint everywhere.  His computer table was the only thing that seemed to be well kept in the entire room. If this wasn’t enough, he had the quote ‘Crazy people who are productive are geniuses. Crazy people who are rich are eccentric. But crazy people who are neither productive nor rich are just crazy’ plastered on his door.

“And I came up with a concept for the chart summary” Ayush said with a quick glance at Nandita, “I spoke with Nandita the other day and she agreed with me. Just a sec”, he got up to retrieve a rolled chart paper from his art store. I guess it must be the place where he kept all his works.

He unrolled the chart and displayed it to us. I couldn’t help but stare at it, not believing that I had not agreed with this idea initially. He had painted the entire background black, and there were two fire torches in the bottom right corner, depicting ‘enlightenment’, in Ayush’s words. Two patterns that looked very much like climbers grew out from behind the torches, white in color.

“It’s..amazing”, I said softly, whilst looking at the painting. Ayush stared at me for a second, which also broke my trance.

“What?”

“I thought you didn’t like this idea”

“Yeah, well, I didn’t quite picture it this way when you told me”

He grinned, “Good. Now you know when to not contradict me”, he said with an attitude that sounded bogus. I gave him a dirty look, which only made him grin more.

Before I could say anything to him, Nandita spoke up, “Naina, can we see the slideshow now?”

I curtly nodded and pursed my lips. Getting up from my chair, I made my way towards Ayush’s computer and inserted the pen drive into the input. Ayush, Nandita and Vivek gathered behind me as I double clicked on the icon.

I don’t believe in making jazzy presentations and putting in too many effects, it makes the entire presentation look very congested and rather lousy. I like to keep it simple and elegant, which is exactly what I had done with this project too. Somehow, it always worked for me.

We finished watching the presentation and discussed the minute changes. Everyone pretty much liked the way it was coming along, so we sat down and talked about our further course of action. The discussion lasted for about 10 minutes, and then we all got bored. Our conversation easily drifted towards a different topic, and the next thing we knew, we were talking about UFO’s and aliens.

__________________________________

It was only when Vivek’s parents called that we realized that it was 7 in the evening. He said a quick goodbye and left. Nandita, Ayush and me quickly ran through our next plan before she and I left too.

As we were walking towards my car, I noticed that there was a certain subtle sadness still lingering in Nandita’s eyes. Had I not been her friend, I wouldn’t have been able to comprehend the real emotion behind that smiley face. Deciding to break the silence, I said, “You okay?”

She blinked twice, as if being broken out of her reverie. Once she realized what I had asked, she simply continued to look ahead, knowing that I would understand what her answer was. I decided not to probe further.

When we reached my car, I dug my hands into my pocket to fish out the keys, “Shit!”

Nandita looked at me, “What?”

“I left my keys inside. Damn. Give me 2 minutes dude, I’ll just be back” I said hurriedly and started to make my way back towards Ayush’s house.

“Listen Naina, I think I’ll catch the auto. Mom has already called me thrice” she said

“Yeah but it’ll just take me 2 minutes” I replied. This always annoyed me. Parents’ over protectiveness. When will they have enough faith in their kids to simply let go? This is one department my mom ruled in. She trusted me with the freedom I had, knowing that I’d never misuse it.

“I know, but I told them that I’m on my way. Don’t worry, I’ll go, okay ?” she said with a small smile.

“You sure?”

“Yeah, don’t worry” she repeated. I finally sighed and said, “Okay Nandu. It’s your call. See you in school”

She just smiled and walked off, waving her hand to stop an auto. I looked at her for a second before turning around, hoping that she’d be okay.

As I was walking towards Ayush’s gate, I heard faint voices of music coming from the right. My curiosity got the better of me and I decided to find out where the sound was coming from. Getting closer, a small room came into my view. It stood separate from the rest of the house, and was pretty much hidden from the front view. As I got nearer, I recognized the song being sung. It was ‘Dooriyan’ from Love Aaj Kal.

Without bothering to knock, I opened the door only to be surprised by this guy again. Ayush was sitting on a small bar stool, with a guitar in his hands, and was singing. I stood at the doorstep, my mouth agape. He was slowly beginning to resemble one of those magical boxes where you find a new box every time you open a box.

He didn’t notice me, so I took the liberty to look around the room. It had nothing except of a drum set, a electric guitar and a small cabinet in one corner. His pack of cigarettes was also lying on the floor, next to his stool. My eyes landed back on him, and I noticed for the first time that he was in fact, a very good singer.

I guess he noticed a presence because he abruptly stopped. He turned around and looked at me, “You? Jeez not again! You love sneaking up on me or something?”

“I left my keys inside, when I was coming back I noticed music coming from this side. So I decided to find out, hardly my fault that you like to keep your entire life a secret” I replied.

He sighed and shook his head, “Great. I’m beginning to think that you’re some CIA agent whose been sent to spy on me”

I ignored his answer and said, “So what’s your passion? Music or art?”

“Music” he said without a second’s thought, “I love art too, but music is what really makes feel alive”

I nodded, now suddenly remembering the time when I was fond of singing too. It seemed so long ago, and I still don’t know why I stopped singing. I walked inside without his permission and sat down on a spare stool, “Why did you keep this place hidden?”

“Well, for two reasons. One, it’s my escape when I’m feeling sad or depressed. Two, this privacy sort of gives a ‘sacred’ feel to my music”

I nodded again, now unconsciously smiling at the memory of myself dressed up in a saree and singing ‘Vande Mataram’ on Independence Day in school, “I used to sing too”, I said without realizing.

“Really?”, he said, surprise evident in his voice.

“Yeah, but not now. It’s been a long time”, I replied, “Anyway, now that I know, why don’t you sing something?”

“What do you wanna hear?” he asked, grinning.

“Anything that sir Mozart would like to sing”, I replied, now grinning too. He adjusted his guitar and thought for a moment before saying, “Okay. This is one of my favorite songs. Never say Never by The Fray”

Here is the link to the acoustic version of the song:

I smiled but didn’t admit that I loved this song too. That would totally screw our chalk and cheese image.

_________________________________

Vivek entered his house, fearing the impending confrontation with his parents. The moment he stepped inside his room, he saw his parents sitting on his bed, with his cousins running around his room. He sighed, joint family sucks.

His parents, his grandparents, his chacha-chachi, all lived under one roof. There were moments of joy and togetherness, and then there were moments of extreme frustration and suffocation. Vivek hoped every single moment of the day to reach the age of 18 quickly, so that he could move out and live on his own.

“We told you to come early. Your mama-mami will be here anytime now. We’ve been calling you since –”

“I’m sorry, ok? I lost track of time but I came as soon as you called me up” Vivek said, getting irritated. He ignored his parents and walked towards his closet to take out some ‘acceptable’ clothing for the evening. Why the hell were they coming anyway? And even if they are, why is it so important for every goddamn person to kiss their feet?

“Behave yourself Vivek. You have no right to get fired up. It’s us who’ve been waiting, while you were having the time of your life with your friends” said his mother in a loud voice. Vivek decided not to argue, he knew it was no point saying anything.

“I’m sorry, won’t happen again”, he said with his head hung low.

“It better not”, and with that, both of them got up, murmured something like “Get ready fast” and walked out of his room.

He sighed and got back to getting ready. He had lived in a joint family all his life, but he warmed up to the institution. Freedom and space were non-existent concepts, and each and every action was scrutinized with a fine microscope. He wondered what it would take to set himself free of this bond, and once again thought of his 18th birthday.

Part 12

Ayush and I had gone back to the workshop after the mini break. He sneaked in without anyone noticing, but I had to face the brunt of my teacher's wrath. I kept mumbling about how I suddenly felt faint and so I went to the washroom. But Ms. Grumpy kept yelling about discipline and self control and bla bla.
I silently walked back to my seat next to Nandita who looked genuinely concerned. "Are you okay? What happened?", she asked in an anxious voice.

I nodded, "I'm fine. Just felt a little faint back then. It's fine now", I said, trying to give her a reassuring smile. She nodded, although she didn't look convinced.

I focused all my concentration on the pikachu after the break. Trying hard not to look up even once, I concentrated on detaching myself from the situation, the environment. Flashes of the past were ruthlessly pushing against my mental barriers to enter my mind, but I resisted them with all the force that I could muster. This was an old trick that had often helped me as a kid. Imagine yourself enclosed in a bubble, a bubble constructed by you to protect yourself from external enemies (Imagine the protego spell in Harry Potter) The enemies continue to push against the walls of the bubble, but you focus your energy and strength on keeping the bubble erect until they go away.

Strangely, I thought of how weird it was to see Ayush smoking. I deduced he had never told anyone about his smoking at school by the way he reacted. He never seemed the type of person who would succumb to peer pressure or mere curiosity to me. And seeing that half of my class smokes because the other half told them to, this was the foremost plausible reason that came to one's mind.

I unconsciously shrugged and decided that it was none of my business. Taking a glimpse at my watch, I realized that there were 20 more minutes to go. I noticed Nandita looking at me out of the corner of my eye. She had the expression that said 'I-know-there-is-something-fishy', she probably must have noticed my funny behavior and visible attempts at dissociating myself from the workshop. This was something Nandita was an expert at - reading faces. She should be a detective.

I avoided her gaze and went back to drawing. Those 20 minutes were passing so slowly that I could almost imagine myself being dragged towards the guillotine, very, very slowly.

I almost jumped when the bell rang. I let out a sigh of relief and quickly got up. The enemies vanished and I finally let my guard loose, allowing the bubble to slowly evaporate. Before I could pack my things, Nandita snatched my notepad from my hand and flipped through the pages.

"You made 8 pikachus during the workshop?" she asked incredulously.

I never realized I had made that many, "Um, well, yeah?", I replied with a sheepish expression on my face.
She kept staring at me and crossed her arms across her chest, "What's wrong Naina? Did this workshop bother you?"

I was beginning to get annoyed. I didn't want to talk about this anymore, all I wanted was to get out of this room and inhale some fresh air, "Look, nothing's wrong. Can we go now? I'm thirsty", and I collected the remaining of my things and walked out without waiting for her response.
She sighed and followed me, sensing she didn't have much of a choice.

________________________________

We're sitting in our usual chuski treat stall, now having forgotten the incident in the conference room. Atleast I had.

"So what did you want to say?", I asked

She sighed and leaned forward, "I want to run away from my house"

I hadn't heard her correctly, "What ?"

Suddenly, tears brimmed in her eyes and before she could she help it, they were freely running down her cheeks. I quickly got up and sat next to her, placing my hand over hers. I realized that something was seriously wrong, because Nandita seldom broke down like this. "What's wrong Nandu?" I asked softly.
"My parents are each other's enemies Naina. There is never a single day that passes without both of them yelling at each other”, she said in a deeply pained voice.

I knew that Nandita’s parents didn’t get along well. But the rift between them had become deeper only the last year, when Nandita’s mom’s brother died in a car accident. Nandita’s dad was driving the car, and her mama (mother’s brother) was with him. They were going to some relative’s place. Her dad had lost control of the car and it crashed into a truck. Her dad survived, but her mama didn’t. Her mom didn’t say it, but she always blamed her husband for her brother’s death. It caused so much resentment that it had become difficult for them to live under one roof.

Nandita never showed it, but she was inwardly sad for the whole year. During the winter vacations, she had also slipped into depression, and it took a month of therapy to get her back to normal. She always pretended to be this happy-go-lucky girl, when she was fighting huge battles inside.

I slowly rubbed her back as she hid her face in her palms and leaned down. After a few minutes had passed, I said, “Running away is never an option Nandu. I know it seems like the easy way out, but it’s not what you want. I know it”

She slowly straightened up and wiped her tears, “What do I do then Naina? I can’t live like this. I don’t want to live like this”

I stared at her for a few moments, contemplating how to put it in words, and then said, “Nandu, I think when a relationship doesn’t work, then the two people should simply let go of it”

She turned and looked at me, “Divorce?”

I simply kept staring at her, knowing that my answer was obvious. She lowered her gaze and returned back to staring ahead, “I don’t know Naina. I don’t know”

I just continued to hold her hand. I knew it was not that easy. It was never that easy.

_____________________________________

Ayush entered his house, thinking about how his secret was no longer a secret. Naina knows about it, he thought. But he also knew that Naina wasn’t the type of person who would spread gossip. He didn’t know her too well, but he did know that she was beyond that stage.

“Heya Bro, what’s up?”, came a cheerful voice from behind him. Ayush recognized the voice and smiled. It was his sister, Nimmi. He turned around to see his sister smiling at him.

“What are you doing here, Ms. busy-bee ?”, asked Ayush. She rolled her eyes and said, “Can I get a hug first ?”

Ayush shook his head and engulfed her in a hug. She was in her second year of engineering. A typical study-maniac, she was always one of the toppers in school and in her first year. She wore rectangular glasses, which further instilled the fact that she was a geek. After completing her schooling, she decided that she would live in the campus hostel itself. Independence was one of the two reasons that she had moved out, the other one was her mom’s death.

“So how did you get time huh? Boyfriend se peecha chhuda kar aayi ho?”, said Ayush in a teasing voice.

“Shut up. Can’t I miss you?”, she said with her arms crossed across her chest, “Aur mera koi boyfriend nahi hai abhi”

“Abhi?”, said Ayush with one eyebrow raised.

“Argh go to hell”, she spat out and sinked into a nearby chair. Ayush grinned and sat across her, “How’s engineering treating you ?”

She frowned, “Bad. We don’t have enough time to eat and sleep. Engineering is badass dude”

“Yeah, who asked you to take up engineering ? Certainly not me”, replied Ayush

She stuck out her tongue and gave him a look that said ‘Screw you’. They talked for a while about general things like school and college. Ayush loved his sister, they had had some great times when they were both small kids. But after their mom died, things changed.

Nimmi moved out and neither of them ever faced their grief. They never talked about it as two kids who had just lost their mother. There was never any conversation. She hardly visited them after that. She did come on festivals and other important occasions, but rarely on a random day. Because of the disconnected bridge of communication, Ayush never told her about his smoking. They still teased each other, laughed with each other and talked about insignificant things, but there was no emotional connection.

As Ayush looked at his sister, he wondered how things would have been different if they had just talked. But they hadn’t. And she was never the sister he had needed, and he was never the brother she had needed.