Part 16

I sat through the entire meeting. I would be lying if I said that it didn’t bother me. It did. I kept fiddling with my fingers while others shared, some experiences a sharp reflection of my own. Sharing this time wasn’t even a consideration, it would be difficult to find the words, leave alone saying them out loud. My head hung low during the entire meeting. Perhaps people noticed, but understood my need to conceal the overwhelming emotions. They had been there.

When the meeting got over, I finally looked up and saw everyone smiling warmly. We got up and held each other's hands firmly, this was a ritual I was aware of. Closing our eyes, we started chanting the customary AA prayer.

God, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
and wisdom to know the difference.

I felt a soft thrust on my hand as everyone shook the held hands and chorused, ‘It works if you work it!’
Later, the senior group came down and almost instantly, the atmosphere transitioned to something very similar to a family re-union. Everyone hugged everyone, and everyone laughed with everyone. Members formed small groups and talked away about something.

I stood in one corner, looking at the scene before my eyes. Had it been a different situation and a different place, I’d have instantly deemed it to be superficial and fake, but not this place. Not a place where people could laugh so easily at their life-changing events, and at the same time, cry at the smallest of things. A smile played on my lips, I knew that this was a good place. I just didn’t know how I was going to survive it.

I noticed my mom standing in a group of four and laughing about something. I raised my hand and waved at her, trying to catch her attention. She finally noticed me and gestured me to come towards her, I slowly shook my head and mouthed, ‘It’s okay’ to her.

Someone behind me tapped on my shoulder. I turned around to see a guy smiling at me, ‘Coffee?’

I looked at him for a moment and said, ‘No thanks’

He nodded, ‘New member?’

‘Yeah’

‘I’m Yash, you?’

‘Naina’

‘Aah, I always loved that name. Extremely symbolic, isn’t it?’, he said, grinning.

I didn’t know how to respond, so I just managed to give him a small smile and said, ‘Um, I guess?’
“Come, I’ll introduce you to my group”, and having said that, he started walking towards a small group sitting in one corner, leaving me behind to follow. I glanced around, feeling absolutely and completely fazed out. Was everyone here so bizarrely welcoming?

Sensing that it would be awkward not to follow when he had assumed that I would, I slowly walked towards them.

“Guys, this is Naina. New member”, said Yash as we joined them. And then hands were shook, introductions were exchanged, and in no time, I was being treated as just an old member as any of them. Many offered to be my sponsors, but I wasn’t ready. Not yet. Any who, we exchanged numbers.
Finally, after the ‘voluntary extended meeting: VEM’, as Yash’s group liked to call it, got over, mom and I walked out of the church and towards our car, waving and saying ‘Byes’ to everyone. As we neared the parking slot, she asked me, “So?”

I looked at her, “So?”

“So, how was it?”, she said expectedly.

I nodded, “Good. Better than last time”

She smiled, “Does that mean you’ll come next week?”

Silence followed the question for a few moments. Did I want to? I had no idea. My conscious wasn’t answering the question. But then I looked at her in the eye and nodded, “I will”

_________________________________________

“Nandita, have some breakfast beta”, said her mom gently as she stared at Nandita roughly stuffing her books into her bag.

“Not hungry”, she mumbled, picked up her bad and started to walk towards the door. But her mom stood in her way, her expression mellow and almost apologetic, “Please Nandu, have something. You didn’t have dinner either”

Nandita took a deep breath and said, “Please mom, I’m getting late. I have to go”, and without looking up, she walked past her mother, leaving her mom on the verge of tears.

She rushed out of the gate, thankful that the tears hadn’t spilled in front of her mom. Anger, mixed with sadness overwhelmed her, and before she knew it, she was crying. But she kept walking fast, hoping that the exercise would somehow make the anger go away. Make the hurt go away. Onlookers stared at her tear-stricken as she walked towards her bus stand, but she didn’t care. She could no longer suppress her emotions behind the facade of happiness.

As the bus station faded out of sight, she stared out of the window, thinking about how messy the situation had become. After the confrontation last night, she had shut herself up in her room. Her parents, who were shell shocked at her outburst and particularly at the mention of divorce, didn’t know what to do. It was a slow night. Nandita tried to sleep, but the tears wouldn’t stop.

Now, devoid of all energy, she sighed and closed her eyes. Her head spinned, but she made no effort to open her eyes. Sometimes, being in the dark was better than being in the light.

____________________________

Nandita walked in, looking as dishevelled and tired as someone who had been to hell and back. She sat down beside me and put her head down on the table. I didn’t ask what was wrong, I knew.

I put a hand on her shoulder, “You didn’t sleep?”

She shook her head without looking up. My heart broke at the sight of her. Someone who was so strong, so tough, someone who faced every problem with a smile, had been reduced to this state. Finding no words, I continued to grip her shoulder tightly, trying to convey my support through that touch.

I took a deep breath and looked up, wondering how pain always lasted longer than happiness. Just then, I noticed a few boys of my class stealing glances at Nandita and smirking at their inside joke. I knew who it was, Varun, the wannabe stud cum ass**** of the class. And his followers.

Rage washed through me. Suppressing my compulsive desire to punch his face, I suddenly got up and yelled across the class, “Hey Varun, what’s so funny? Did you just look at yourself in the mirror or did you and your kids just scare a 1st grader?”

The smirk was wiped off his face as the entire class turned to stare at him. Nandita realized what was going on, and she stood up too, “Naina, just let it go. Forget –”

But Varun cut her off, “Who the hell is talking to you, Ms. freak? Can’t you mind your own f****g business like always?”

“Yeah? Then let me tell you something, dude. You crack another joke at my friend and I’m going to break that conceited nose of yours. And trust me, I don’t care what your mommy says about it. Get it?”, I replied, now feeling the anger pulsing through my body. Nandita was now pulling my arm but I continued to stare at Varun who was too, boiling with rage. Just as he opened his mouth to reply, our class teacher walked in and broke the deathly silence that had lingered in the room before her entrance.

Nandita pulled me down to our seat and said, “What the hell were you thinking?”

“He was laughing at you!”, I replied indignantly.

“He laughs at everyone, Naina. That’s what he’s here for, you shouldn’t bother-”

“Well I’m sorry for caring”, I spat out and turned away. I heard her sigh and drop the subject for the moment. 

Part 11

Ayush paced his room. His dad wasn’t back yet and that was making him feel uneasy. He wasn’t picking up his phone either. It was 12:30 in the night and there was no sign of him.

Ayush loved his dad, after his mom died, his dad was his only family. Yes, he had an extended family but he hardly met them. But after his mom’s death, his dad seemed to have slipped into perennial workaholism. He was always late, skipped his meals alot of times, and was slowly edging towards becoming a depressive. Although they had fun despite all these problems, there were times when both of them just couldn’t cope.

Ayush and his dad, neither of them had actually overcome the grief. They had just found a temporary escape. They  had both become extremely protective of each other, and panicked when even the slightest of things went wrong. Like now.

Ayush tried his number again. No answer.

“Damn it!”, he spat out. Running a hand through his hair, he opened his drawer and fished out his pack of cigarettes. He had been trying to get rid of his addiction to smoking for a while. But it never really helped, specially in moments like this, when there was no coping mechanism. His hands shivered as he struggled to choose between the temptation and his conscious. After a few minutes, he simply gave up and balanced the cigarette in his mouth. Screw it, he thought and lit it with a matchstick.

************************************

The D day is here. We’re finally sitting in the conference room, waiting for the workshop to begin. My palms have been sweaty for the past 4 hours. 3 days of pondering and introspection, and I still haven’t figured out how I’m going to deal with it. I have a notebook and a pen with me, to note down the important things. Although I know I’m not going to jot down anything.

I look around. Nandita is sitting next to me. She doesn’t know what I’m going through at this moment, but I’m still glad to have her here. It’s like having an assurance by your side.

She suddenly looked at me and said, “I need to talk to you”

I shrugged and said, “Shoot”

“Err, not here. It’s um, personal. After the workshop? Chuski treat?”

I smiled and said, “Sure dude”

The workshop coordinator entered, along with some of our teachers, and we all were made to get up. I rolled my eyes as everyone chanted, “Good morning sir”

I could practically imagine our principal holding a gun to our foreheads and threatening us to wish the guy he paid to babble bullshit in front of us. It sort of gives the impression that the school is really concerned about our emotional and mental well-being.

I gulped as I took my seat again. “Alcoholism is slow poison” was written on every banner that hung in the room. The coordinator took his position on the podium and gave us a smile.

“Good morning, everyone. As you all know, we’ve all gathered here to discuss alcoholism amongst teenagers. I’m sure it’s no secret to you that kids of your age are thoughtlessly indulging in alcoholism, absolutely unaware of the consequences. Now, here we’re going to show you all a small presentation depicting the problems that come along with such a disease”, he spoke in fluid English.

The initial few minutes were fine. He mainly talked about how bad it was for teenagers to mindlessly get attracted towards alcoholism as a solution to all their problem. Then he blamed peer pressure for being one of the strongest factors. He talked about how teens end up loosing everything they value just because of this addiction.

I silently kept my head down and focused on drawing pikachu on my notepad. Although I was aware of what he was saying, I tried not to process his words. I tried to detach myself from their meaning so all that was really left was hollow words. The pikachu looked pretty cute. I wish I had yellow colour with me. Instead, I resorted to pencil shading.

“As you can see in this slide, childhood trauma plays an important role in shaping the child’s personality. If a kid has seen alcoholism in his/her family, or has lived with alcoholic parents, then it is sure to leave a deep impact upon the child’s mind. Children are too young and immature to deal with such problems, so they adopt the only coping method – denial, and over the period of time – dissociation..”

The moment he mentioned alcoholic parents, it seemed as though all the tight strings of defense that I had so carefully strung, snapped into two in just a moment. My hands went numb and the incomplete Pikachu became hazy. The coordinator continued, and I wanted him to stop, but he didn’t. Beads of sweat formed on my forehead and the temperature seemed to drop by a million degrees.

As I rubbed my forehead with my thumb and forefinger, I felt a hand upon my shoulder. With all the energy I could muster, I turned around and saw that it was Nandita. She had a concerned expression on her face. I quickly mumbled, “I-I think I’m n-not feeling too well, I’ll just be back”

And with that, I got up and ran out of the conference room without waiting for her response. I dashed towards the first place that came to my mind – the washroom. Literally banging the door open, I ran inside and turned on the tap with full force.

I splashed water on my face multiple times to get rid of the nervousness. Taking deep breaths, I turned off the tap and stared at my reflection. I looked as though I had just been to hell and back.

“F**k!”, I swore loudly. A sudden urge to slam my fist into the washroom mirror overcame me, but instead, I kicked into the wall, hard. I did hurt my toe, but I didn’t pay much attention to it. It was a few moments before my breathing returned to normal and my blood stopped flooding my brain. I quietly slid down the washroom door and put my face into my hands.

I just realized that I had ran out of the room without informing my teachers. Now I’m in deep shit. They’re going to give me a good piece of their mind later. I definitely cannot go back now, not until the break happens and all the students come out. I’ll go back with Nandita later.

As I was about to walk out of the washroom, I noticed someone walking across the football ground through the little window in the loo. I thought only the 11th and 12th class was supposed to come today, and they’re already inside. My curiosity got the better of me and I walked out of the loo towards the ground. As I got nearer, I realized that it was Ayush.

He slowly took a long drag at his cigarette as I reached him.

“You smoke?”, I asked, making him jump slightly. He turned around and looked at me, “You?” and then quickly threw the cigarette on the ground and crushed it with his foot.

“You didn’t really have to do that, you know. It’s okay with me. I mean, I won’t tell anyone”, I said, a little amused at his reaction. Frankly, I was a little surprised to know that he smoked, but then, looks can be deceptive. Plus I’m pretty sure half our class either smokes or drinks. I can suddenly picture my classmates inwardly laughing at the coordinator, thinking that they were going to drink that night anyway.

He shrugged and said, “Should have told me before”, and with that he picked out another cigarette from his packet and lit it with a lighter. I gave him a ‘yeah whatever’ look.

“You think authorities won’t get suspicious if they find your cigarette buds lying around on the ground?”, I asked him. We had started walking, without realizing it.

“Well, our football coach smokes. I don’t know if you know it, but I’ve seen him smoking on this ground alot of times. He never gets caught. The cleaners probably brush it away without looking”, he replied.

I nodded. It made sense. We walked in silence for a while before he asked, “Why aern’t you inside?”

“I could ask the same question”

He chuckled and said, “I got bored, so I kind of sneaked out. Will go back after the break”

“Well same here”, I said, “I,um, didn’t find it too interesting”

“Yeah, it’s pretty worthless. Our class will go and drink anyway. We’ve had numerous workshops on smoking too, but frankly, it’s all bullshit. Didn’t stop me”, he said, conviction mixed with distaste evident in his voice.

I nodded, “I know. Just paid drama”, I paused before continuing, “So, can I ask you how you started smoking?”

He just shrugged. I got the message. He didn’t want to talk about it. We resorted to walking in silence instead.

Part 7

Ayush nodded and walked towards us. I had a hint as to why Nandita had done this on purpose. She was trying to bring Ayush and me closer. Damn, what's her problem ? I love her, I really do, but sometimes she can get way too intrusive.

"Okay, so now we have all the groups ?", our maths teacher said. The class nodded in consent and the teacher wrote down everyone's name. I was still looking daggers at Nandita for doing this. Great, now we're stuck as a group for a month and a half. Brilliant. I can already imagine myself strangling Nandita to death.

My thought process was broken by our teacher's voice, "Okay, so I want you all to discuss and tell me the topic of your project. You can choose any topic from either your maths book, or any other theme related to the field of mathematics. You all have to prepare a powerpoint presentation and a chart depicting the summary of your project. The powerpoint should have a minimum of 30 slides"

The entire class groaned. 30 slides is really no joke, and considering the number of ppt's we've made this year, none of us wanted another one to be added to the list. Our group sat down together and started discussing. We all agreed on one thing - The topic should be simple and easy. No complication.

"I think we should take up 'Historical mathematicians', that's the easiest of the lot", I said as soon as we sat down.

"Yeah and boring as hell", said Ayush, "We'll want to dump this theme halfway through. There's no fun there"

"Fun is not on our priority list Ayush. We need to get this stupid thing done as soon as possible. And I'm not interested in killing my head for 1 and a half months over this useless project", I replied in a slightly annoyed tone.

"Yeah ? Then why are you even doing it?", he was beginning to get irritated too.

"What's the alternative ?", I replied, now completely irked at his 'I-wanna-be-a-good-student' attitude.

"Calm down guys. Relax", chipped in Vivek, "Jeez. We've not even started doing anything, and you guys are fighting already"

I sighed and mumbled, "Whatever". Ayush kept quiet too. Nandita's gaze flickered over both of us for a while before she said, "Okay. Let's do this. Let's write down our choices on small chits and jumble them up. We'll pick out a chit and whatever topic comes out, we'll take it. Okay ?"

We all nodded in consent as Nandita fished out her notebook from her bag. She tore a paper and then tore it again in smaller pieces. We all wrote down our choices, and since I was miffed already, I chose to be adamant and wrote down 'Historical Mathematicians' in bold with my permanent marker. Nandita gave me a 'Stop-being-kiddish' look, but I didn't pay much heed to her.

All the chits were then jumbled up properly. Nandita extended her hand and picked out one. She paused before saying it aloud, "Um, Historical Mathematicians"

"Ha!", I exclaimed before I could stop myself. A grin played on my lips as I gave Ayush a victorious look. I was being extremely childish, and I didn't know why, but it felt good to know that my topic had been chosen. Ayush's shoulders slumped. I wasn't done, I really wanted to rub this in his face, "Fair enough Ayush. It's not like my suggestion was given extra preference, right ?"

He glared at me and said, "Fine. Let's do it"

I arched an eyebrow and nodded, "Finally"

We informed the teacher about our topic and decided to start working on it from the next week onwards. Since I was the well known powerpoint maestro, it was decided that I would be the one handling the presentation. Ayush was good at calligraphy and art, so he decided to take up the chart work. Nandita and Vivek offered to do all the research work.


As the last class got over, Nandita and I decided to go for a little chuski treat (A small stall was right next to our school) before heading home. I needed to talk to her about certain things. We sat down on the small wooden stools next to the stall. Few minutes passed before I said, "Mom's a little worried. There's, uh, a little financial problem going on"

She looked at me and said, "Hmm, I guessed. You seem a little off since the last few days"

"Yeah, everything's just not falling into place. I don't know what to do", I replied in a softer voice. Nandita simply leaned forward and took hold of my hand. She nodded empathetically at me. It wasn't the first time I was sharing the fact that our financial condition was rocky with her. And somehow, she always understood. It was something I was extremely grateful about.

I took a deep breath and said, "Dad called. He just discovered his new passion - Online poker", and our faces broke into a smile at that. My dad was not just my dad, he was also my buddy. We were really more like friends. He wasn't the 'I-wanna-protect-my-daughter' type father, he was the 'Find-your-own-way' kind of dad. Infact, once when I was a kid, I fell down while skating and hurt myself pretty badly. He just stood outside the ring, giving me a sheepish grin. I had to ultimately stand up on my own. After the practice, he had said to me, "See, that's why you're different. You don't need your dad to stand up on your feet. You can do it on your own"

"Uncle's always been quite the fun guy", said Nandita. I nodded, "Yup. Can I say something really nasty ?"

She shrugged. I smiled and said, "Divorced parents are the best parents in the world"

"Uh, Tell me about it. My parents keep bickering all the time. For no reason. You're right, you know", she replied while making a face. I laughed at her expression and shook my head.

"What ?", she asked with a blank expression. "Nothing", I said and got up, "Let's go. It's getting late"

She nodded and got up. We were about to leave when I suddenly stopped and turned around. She jumped slightly and staggered, "Shit. Naina. Are you nuts ?"

"And what the hell was the whole morning drama about ?", I slipped into my angry demeanor and barked at her. She still had the blank expression on her face, "What drama ?"

"Don't act innocent. Why did you ask only Ayush to join our group ?"

Then it seemed to hit her. Her face relaxed in realization for a moment, "Oh that", and the next moment she had a nonchalant expression on her face, "Nothing. I want you to be his girlfriend that's all", and with that, she walked past me, leaving me with my mouth agape.

I quickly regained my self-control and started walking. I'm going to kill her.